Updated: Mar 19
Your singleness is a time to figure yourself out. Learn what you like, don’t like. What you want and don’t want. In life, your career, your relationships, you name it. It’s like walking around the mall food court taking samples from every food joint you pass. There’s no harm in trying! The difference is that once you become 1 with someone, you should have a clear idea of who you are and what you want out of life and your relationship. Because the 2 of you will expect certain things out of each other and at that point, trying this and that is no longer acceptable because you have a role to play. Because marriage is 2 wholes coming together, each individual should know exactly who they are and their hearts desire. Otherwise, how do you know if you’re making the right choice to be with them?
Now don’t get me wrong. People change their entire lives. They mature, they try new things. But the core of who you are will not change. Especially the older you get. That’s why your singleness is so important. It’s the time you get to focus on YOU and only you. A time to be selfish. Be wild, daring and adventurous.
It’s the time that you can take to look in mirror and see if you like what you see. What type of people are you attracting? What are your goals? What makes you happy and fires you up? All of these things are so important and many of us zoom through life dealing with 1 man and after another and realize later in life that we don’t even know what we’re looking for. Spending so much time with others that we never truly get to know ourselves. It usually takes a really bad break up or something crazy to happen that makes us actually want to be alone.
Being alone isn’t always fun. It’s just you and your thoughts. Being alone forces you to spend time with yourself and come to terms with your life. My singleness before meeting Dre was the most beautiful experience but it didn’t start off like that. In the beginning, I was really lonely and sad. I felt so alone, like I didn’t matter because no one was blowing up my phone or wanting to spend time with me. But that soon changed.
I was so mad at myself. I looked at my life and the person I saw in the mirror and I didn’t like what I saw. I was a mess. I was spending all my time running a business that I forgot about self-care, health and personal wellness. I didn’t have a healthy sleep schedule, my life wasn’t in order, I couldn’t tell who were my real friends, and I was dating guys just to date. Like sometimes I would go on dates with men who I knew I wasn’t interested in just for a free meal.
Now there’s nothing wrong with casually dating if you want a casual relationship. But if you want a real man? Someone who can be your husband? There’s nothing casual about that. That takes being intentional.
When I decided I was tired of dating just to date and I wanted to be ready to meet the man that I would spend the rest of my life with, I started to move a lot different. I started to picture what that would look like. What my husband would be like. Where we would meet and when. Now I knew I didn’t have those answers but it was exciting to think of the possibilities. Just like with anything else, if you want something, you have to visualize and believe it!
I started by looking at all my ex’s and listing the things I clearly didn’t want. That helped shaped my list of what I did want. And man was it long. 100 things, to be exact. I spent all of my free time growing closer to God and learning myself. I started to see the things I didn’t like about myself. The drinking, cursing, fighting, anger, pettiness, lying, excuses and boy does the list go on. I was ashamed at how far away I was from being a woman that deserved a man like the man I had imagined in my head and wrote about on that paper.
I was motivated to change. I wanted to become the best version of me! I wanted to be proud of who I was and who I attract. I wasn’t going to attract the type of man I wanted by being in the club 5 days a week! It just doesn’t make sense.
The transition was a process and each and every day I focused on reaching small goals and making small changes.
3 months later, I was in such a better place. In those 3 months, I hadn’t gone on a single date, gave my number out or even entertained any of my ex’s. I was so focused on positioning myself to have a better life that I started to enjoy the alone time. I was more productive, was working out, making healthier choices, making more money than ever with my business. I did a whole 360 turn in a short amount of time because I was determined.
Now it wasn’t easy. I learned a lot of things that I didn’t like about myself and at the time my pride and stubbornness tried to get in the way of making a change but I used the bible and the principals God gives to compare myself to. And that made things crystal clear for me, no debate. I had to change, and I knew I would be better because of it.
It was during this time that I made the decision to practice celibacy. I was falling in love with the woman I was becoming, so much so, that I knew if I continued on this path, God would allow me to meet my husband. In the past, I would date the men I dated because that’s what I thought I deserved. I never stopped to think, what if I could have better. Or is this even what I want.
I also never realized how insecure I was until I was fully alone. You would be shocked by what you learn just by spending quality time with yourself.
Do you know that men are attracted most to women who are busy living their life? They want a woman who is busy reaching her goals, living her life and content with being alone because that woman knows her worth, is a challenge and exudes confidence. Men aren’t going to clubs looking for wives, they’re looking for women they can take home for the night.
Men are really strategic when they shop for a partner. We like to think that all men are attracted to is looks but in all reality, they are usually looking for something so much more. Just like you. When we get to the point of wanting a real relationship our priorities shift. We suddenly change the things we look for in men because by this time we understand that looks aren’t everything. And it goes both ways. Beauty is so much more than skin deep. Simply being attractive will not get you a husband. You have to be the whole package.
Beautiful from the inside out, supportive, caring, loving, understanding, optimistic, fun to be around. And the sad thing is, we lose those characteristics when we’re too busy being wrapped up in other people’s lives. When we don’t spend time alone and remind ourselves of our worth and work on the things that we struggle with as individuals we lose sight of what truly matters.
So here are my tips for mastering your singleness and falling in love with you:
1. Stay Busy
Look at your life and determine what you should be prioritizing. Whether it’s you health and wellness, your career, your friends, family or a combination of, you have things in your life that need your time and focus much more than any man out there. Get busy with those things. How can you be more intentional with them? Focus on the relationships you already have and making them stronger. Determine how you can reach higher goals for yourself within your job or business. How can you take better care of yourself? Do you workout on a regular basis? Get enough sleep at night? You may need to find a new hobby or interest. Find what works for you and get busy doing it!
2. Date Yourself
Don’t make being alone a chore. You can spend quality time with yourself by dating yourself! Take yourself shopping, or to the movies. Take a trip you’ve been wanting to go on. Pour yourself a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine and smooth music. Put in the effort to make “me time” fun time! I still carve out time through my week to have a “me day” and I love it! I go get massages, eat at my favorite restaurant, watch chick-flicks, whatever my little heart desires. Be creative. Make it fun and enjoyable!
Your singleness is time to look at yourself, your behaviors and habits and challenge yourself to do and be better. What don’t you like about yourself? What would you change? Self-evaluation is a form of self-love. You are taking the time to be intentional and make choices that will make you feel better about yourself. In order to get the man you want, you have to become the woman you’re meant to be. Ask yourself, what does the man I want, look for in a woman? And see if you fall short of that. How can you close the gap? How can you get closer and closer to being the woman you know you’re capable of being? What have you dealt with in your past that may be holding you back from reaching your full potential?
4. Heal & Apply
To fall in love with yourself, you must apply the process of working through your self-evaluation. Taking what you found when you analyzed your life and your behaviors and creating a plan of action to address them and do better. This includes healing from your past to move forward with a bright future.
5. Be Patient
You are a work in progress. It takes time to heal from past and work through behaviors and habits that you no you want to change. Be patient with that process but also be patient once you feel your work is done and you’re ready for your man. Remember, you’re not the only part of the equation that has to be ready. Your man has to be ready too. So while I know waiting is hard, you have to continue to fall in love with yourself each and every day until your man is ready for you.
I hope this episode helps you with the steps you should take if you’re struggling through singleness. Always remember that you are worthy but you also owe it to yourself to be your very best. And that means challenging yourself, taking a look in the mirror and constantly doing things to grow and evolve as a woman. I want to suggest a good read by Michelle Mkinney Hammond, “What to Do Until Love Finds You: The Bestselling Guide to Preparing Yourself for Your Perfect Mate”. And in case you need a reminder of the 5 steps of singleness, you get my free guide at breannaaponte.com/singleness. The link will also be provided in the show-notes
Thank you so much for reading and until next time, be shameless.
Book: "What to do until love finds you"