Updated: Mar 19
Learning to be submissive...what does this even mean?
Ephesians 5:22-25 says it best, “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. As the church submits to Christ, wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
I love this because it says how the wife should submit to her husband but ends with how the Husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church.
This is important because a lot of women have the wrong idea of submission. God is not telling us to submit to men, he is telling us to submit to our HUSBAND. We get to choose we marry. And if we choose based on Godly love, we would choose a man who loves us as Christ loved the church. Meaning your husband would do anything for you, to protect you, to make you happy and to support you.
By submitting to a man like that, you are giving him your full trust and respect to lead you as the head of your household and relationship. Therefore the love you have for him and the love he has for God holds him accountable.
Submission becomes complicated when you submit to the wrong man OR when the man you submit to doesn’t follow God. God’s principals are what guide a man’s moral compass and the actions that he makes. If he is following God’s example, every choice he makes will be in your best interest.
Submitting to your husband doesn’t mean that you don’t have a voice or your opinion doesn’t matter. You make choices as a team. But as the husband, it is his job to lead you and he should have the final say. If you are in a loving relationship with God at the core, you will never go wrong by following your husband because the 2 of you are a team. He will also take your judgment and concerns into account when making a decision because you are just as important in the decision-making process.
Let me tell you a story….
Dre and I were planning on buying a home before our wedding to start our new chapter as husband and wife. After long discussions and research, we decided we would continue to rent and instead of buying a house, stay in the Tyson’s Corner area and get a luxury apartment or condo. We weighed out the pro’s and con’s of buying versus renting and ultimately, we weren’t ready to give up our location. We are a young couple with no kids and don’t plan on having children within the next 3-5 years so we decided the city life was what we wanted to stick with for now.
Now if you know anything about the DMV, you know Tyson’s Corner is very expensive. We looked at apartment after apartment and I was not impressed for the amount of money we would have been spending. The last apartment building we visited was our “dream apartment” but it was way out of the budget that we wanted to stay under. Dre wanted to go take a look anyway and so we did and of course, I fell in love with a $4,800 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment. This place was perfect for us! It had light hardwood floors, high rise ceilings, floor to ceiling windows, a great view from the 26th floor, a laundry room, a bedroom perfect for a walk-in custom closet, the expensive mirrors with wrap around lighting like in the hotels, a modern kitchen and enough room for a 10 top dining table to fit all of my friends lol.
Not to mention, this place was just built to the amenity spaces were the cherry on top! A rooftop pool, Skypark bars, multiple entertainment spaces, conference rooms, available office spaces, a wrap-around, state of the art gym and a dance studio. Did I mention its connected to a wholefoods, movie theatre, and multiple lounges and restaurants!? It was PERFECT
Dre could see all the excitement in my face and at this point, I know he was thinking “why did we come here” haha. We were leaving the building and in walks in a former co-worker of Dre’s. We sat down and talked with her for a while and she got us hip to a program that would allow us to get the apartment at more than 50% off because we own our own business. We could not believe it! I left like the happiest girl ever just grinning ear to ear with excitement and gratitude.
We shared the news with our family and close friends and even started furniture shopping the next day! I went all out, I created a 3D digital model of the apartment so that I could start decorating and within 24hrs it was complete. I already felt like I lived there lol.
On top of getting this beautiful apartment, we also got an all-white custom Tesla which was scheduled to be delivered in a couple of weeks.
Now to fully paint this picture I need yall to know this. Dre and I had been sacrificing for YEARS. We lived in a studio and den 575 square foot apartment in Tysons. All of our money, no matter how much we made each month was going to our expenses, debt and savings. We could move a long time ago or got new cars a long time ago but we had a plan to sacrifice and save in order to start our marriage debt-free and have the financial freedom to not work as hard.
So we were finally reaping the reward of all we’ve sacrificed. A couple of weeks go by and Dre comes to me with what I thought was the worse news ever! He said that he feels we are moving too soon with things and need to back out of the Tesla and the apartment and continue doing what we’re doing.
Ya’ll I literally lost my shit (excuse my language). I was devastated. This is the first time my submission was put to the test because I thought he was coo-coo for cocoa puffs out of his mind. I was so hurt. I cried so many times because I could not understand why this was happening to me.
I tried to reason with him and he just kept saying the same thing and was asking me to trust him. We went days without speaking, and after a lot of prayer and conversations with my closest friends and mom, I decided that an apartment and car was not worth losing my relationship. So I came to him and mumbled the words “oh-kay”. He said “okay what”, and I responded, “I trust you”.
And now looking back at it, I wish I would have said that immediately instead of putting up the fight I did. But I’m thankful it happened because until then, we never have had a real argument before. This was the first time we both had completely different thoughts about something and felt so indifferent about a situation.
Now keep in mind, I was sick to my stomach upset. Even though I said the words to him, it didn’t change how I felt inside. I was beyond angry. But the thing that I held on to was the fact that I know he loves me. I know that he would do anything in his power to make me happy but that his overall goal was to make sure I was taken care of. So I did actually trust him I just wasn’t happy with the thought of not having the apartment. I could care less about the car, the place I live affects my daily mood, inspiration, productivity, and overall motivation to work hard.
A couple of days later, he said he had a gift for me because he could tell I was still struggling with the decision we made. I open the box and its a “things to buy” checklist. I’m like uhhh okay. This would of came in handy if we were actually moving lol. Then, under the checklist, I see a contract signed for the apartment we were supposed to move in and I was confused. I was asking him “what is this?”, “is this a joke”. Completely freaking out, not knowing if I should be happy or not.
He sat me down and told me that he was able to talk to the property manager and move our move-in date to a later date that made him feel more comfortable about making the move. He explained how he loves me and knows me and that my trust in him meant everything and after he saw how much the apartment meant to me, he made it happen and found a compromise to still get me what I wanted.
The other compromise was that we weren’t getting the Tesla but here’s the funny thing. Dre wanted the Tesla, he knows my favorite car is a Jeep Wrangler (I love the freedom I feel with the doors and roof off and how big I feel when I’m driving it), fast forward 2 months later, and that’s what I’m driving.
So submitting and trusting him ended up resulting in the best possible outcome.
Now trust me, if you were raised to be independent like I was, this could be a hard concept to grasp. My mom was a single parent pretty much all my life. She juggled school, work, and kids like it was nothing! From a very early age, I felt like I never needed anyone to take care of me and as I got older, that mentality became more dominant.
But what I learned by growing closer to God is that a man should cherish me. I knew there was a man out there who I could trust and love and let down my guard for. Someone who will allow me to need them and always protect and care for me. As I learned more and more about the principles of God, I started to practice them and release the control that I felt I had to have with men in the past.
But here’s the thing. I didn’t do that until Dre came along and proved to me that he was that person. Here’s were women run into issues.
You either don’t trust a man at all or give a man all your trust too soon. You have to let men show you who they are through their actions. If you wait and watch long enough, they will show exactly who they are and who they aren’t. The reason why I say be slow to have sex is that once you allow them into your personal space, it becomes hard to see them through a sober lens. All of a sudden you’re making excuses for their actions or overlooking red flags.
Submission is a beautiful thing when it’s with the right person.
Here are my tips for women learning to be submissive
1. Find a guy worth submitting to
Again, pay close attention to his actions. Do his words and actions align? Does he treat you like you’re supposed to be treated? Does he know your heart and care about what you want? Does he value you as a partner? Does he value your opinion and care about your well being?
2. Communicate what submission in the relationship looks like (be on the same page)
This is huge, please don’t submit to a fool that doesn’t even know what submission is. You can only submit to a man, you can’t submit to a boy or an immature excuse of a man. Make sure you guys are on the same page and have a clear understanding of your relationship and roles.
3. Work on it (its a process)
The only reason I got to where I am with submission is because I am with a man who every day shows me he is worthy but also because he was patient with me through the process.
I hope this was helpful my loves, until next time, be shameless!